I have said before, and I am sure that I will say again, I fail in my faith many ways every single day. Yesterday evening, though, I Failed and I have been struggling with that.
The exact details are not important. It is not that I affirmatively did something wrong, it is that I turned away from the opportunity to affirmatively do something right. It is not like I didn't notice, or just missed the opportunity, I saw it and even commented to someone else - "we should really . . . ." But, I didn't. I just walked back to my office and went on with my day, and I don't know why. Doing the right thing would have been a little inconvenient and would have been a change from the normal procedures at the office, but that is all. The worst part is that while I recognized that it was a good idea, it was not until hours later that I realized what I had done - heard God, actually had the message penetrate my thoughts, and ignored it.
It did not hit me until I was driving home. I may have to be in Atlanta in a couple of weeks and I was day dreaming on the drive about trying to fit in trips to the Blood and Fire shelter and trying to find some of the homeless that I met in the parks. I was thinking about how awesome that would be, when what I had done suddenly hit me.
When I got home, I turned to the Bible to try to find some explanation for my Failure, or what to do. My wife has a Life Application Bible, and I looked in that under Failure. I read all of the entries. I liked the basic message of one of the notes, something along the lines of: when you fail you have to give that failure to God, ask forgiveness and grow from the failure. But, the note was in reference to Chapters 7 and 8 of Joshua. I have read and re-read those Chapters trying to find that in there myself, but I keep getting hung up on the part where Achan is the one who sins, and he gets stoned for his sin, then God says to Joshua "Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged." I'm the Achan in this passage, not the Joshua.
Anyway, I still haven't figured it out. I try to take some solace in the fact that I recognized my Failure. That I was only a little late in recognizing that God was speaking to me, rather than missing it entirely. Maybe it will help me to be a better listener in the future. I don't know, it still seems pretty sad - I'm shamed, humbled and embarrassed. If anyone reads this and has any thoughts, or suggestions, I would be glad to hear them.