I've struggled with how to start his post, and I've struggled with whether it even is a post. Whether there is enough "there" there, or whether these half-formed thoughts that have been going through my head lately should just remain there. But, I've made the decision to just start boldly ahead.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about how comforting I find my relationship with God. I don't mean that in a "God is always with me" or a "Yes, Jesus Loves Me" way. I've been more focusing on the nature of the relationship. The fact that I feel comfortable going to God to share my anger, my confusion, my fear and my doubt. That I am comfortable saying (probably more honest to say shouting) "How could you?" and "Why didn't you?"and "Why won't you?" and "Where are you?"
How could you let something happen like we are seeing in Haiti?
Why didn't you heal her the first time?
Why won't you take this problem away from me?
Where are you?
I'm not talking about the answers to these questions tonight. I'm just talking about how much comfort I take from the fact that I believe that God is ok with me unloading these questions/accusations. That yes, I worship Him and praise Him, but that like a good friend, He is there to take those burdens from me. That He doesn't turn from me in my anger and hurt and doubt, but that he opens His arms and meets me where I am.
As I have seen both friends and strangers going through horrible situations recently, I have wanted to tell them that it is ok to yell at God. That even just seeing what they are going through has me yelling at God. For some reason, and maybe I am wrong, I think that people are afraid to admit that they have those kind of emotions when it comes to God. I certainly know I used to be. Oh, I might have admitted to you that I had them, but admit that to God, that was a whole different matter.
Now, on the other hand, I take comfort from knowing that I can. From knowing that I can share my honest feelings with God and that He answers not with condemnation or frustration, but with His love. Really. From where I stand, it doesn't get much better than that.
Rereading this before posting, I don't think I did the topic justice and I apologize for that. I probably should have let it bounce around for a few more days and take on more substance - perhaps I should have waited until I succeeded in finding the appropriate references. But I guess the bottom line God, is that I draw comfort from knowing that our relationship is built on love and is not damaged by my questions and challenges. There is so, so much that I do not and cannot understand. You know that and still love me. And I don't only worship you as my creator, but I love you, too.