A Relationship Built on Love

I've struggled with how to start his post, and I've struggled with whether it even is a post. Whether there is enough "there" there, or whether these half-formed thoughts that have been going through my head lately should just remain there. But, I've made the decision to just start boldly ahead.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about how comforting I find my relationship with God. I don't mean that in a "God is always with me" or a "Yes, Jesus Loves Me" way. I've been more focusing on the nature of the relationship. The fact that I feel comfortable going to God to share my anger, my confusion, my fear and my doubt. That I am comfortable saying (probably more honest to say shouting) "How could you?" and "Why didn't you?"and "Why won't you?" and "Where are you?"

How could you let something happen like we are seeing in Haiti?

Why didn't you heal her the first time?

Why won't you take this problem away from me?

Where are you?

I'm not talking about the answers to these questions tonight. I'm just talking about how much comfort I take from the fact that I believe that God is ok with me unloading these questions/accusations. That yes, I worship Him and praise Him, but that like a good friend, He is there to take those burdens from me. That He doesn't turn from me in my anger and hurt and doubt, but that he opens His arms and meets me where I am.

As I have seen both friends and strangers going through horrible situations recently, I have wanted to tell them that it is ok to yell at God. That even just seeing what they are going through has me yelling at God. For some reason, and maybe I am wrong, I think that people are afraid to admit that they have those kind of emotions when it comes to God. I certainly know I used to be. Oh, I might have admitted to you that I had them, but admit that to God, that was a whole different matter.

Now, on the other hand, I take comfort from knowing that I can. From knowing that I can share my honest feelings with God and that He answers not with condemnation or frustration, but with His love. Really. From where I stand, it doesn't get much better than that.

Rereading this before posting, I don't think I did the topic justice and I apologize for that. I probably should have let it bounce around for a few more days and take on more substance - perhaps I should have waited until I succeeded in finding the appropriate references. But I guess the bottom line God, is that I draw comfort from knowing that our relationship is built on love and is not damaged by my questions and challenges. There is so, so much that I do not and cannot understand. You know that and still love me. And I don't only worship you as my creator, but I love you, too.

Surfing

While we were on vacation last summer, Alex and I took surfing lessons together. It was one of the "perks" offered by the rental company that we used - a free hour of lessons. When we signed up for it, I spoke with the instructor and he convinced me that we also should sign up for an extra hour for $20 each. So we did.



But, to explain this story, I have to back up a little bit.



On our way down to the beach, we decided to stop at an amusement park - King's Dominion - for the day. We had a lot of fun playing with the kids and riding lots of different rides. Unfortunately, though, I got hurt on one of the little roller coasters (no, it was not The Scooby Doo Roller Coaster, thank you). The ride was pretty much over and I was talking with two guys in the car in front of us, when the car slammed to a stop. I'm sure that it was supposed to be part of the fun, but I was driven right into the bar that holds you in the car. It actually knocked the breath out of me and my ribs hurt like - well, let's just say that they hurt a lot. Of course, I was too proud to admit that I was really hurt, but it did limit my activity for the next few weeks (it even hurt to lay down to go to sleep).



So there we are, getting ready to take a surfing lesson and I can't lay down on my chest on the board. I told the instructor that I would hang out in the water, but I likely would not try to surf because it just hurt too much. As it turned out though, a lot of people that were signed up for the free course decided not to come. There were only three people in the class and Alex and I were two of them. Ultimately, I decided that I should at least give this a try.



The problem was, it hurt. A lot. (Ok, in fairness, that probably was not the only problem, but it was the first problem) Nonetheless, I did try. After an hour, I had tried to catch maybe five waves (the three of us alternated one at a time - and by catch a wave I mean the instructor had shoved us on our boards onto the wave so all we had to do was try to stand up).



The third person got it right away. I think he stood up on the first wave and rode pretty much every wave he tried. Alex got better and better with each attempt and was getting pretty close.



The second hour was just me and Alex. I spent a lot of it just hanging out in the water, not actually on the board and watched Alex get better and better until he stood up once or twice. Eventually, I decided to try it again and on the very last wave I actually succeeded in standing up and getting a little bit of a ride. We left pretty tired, and with one of us taking more pills for the pain.



I've been thinking about our surfing lessons a fair amount lately, and not just because we have had lots of snow and it is freezing outside. I can't claim that I am surfer, or even that I know how to surf. But, I do know that it takes balance to stand up on the board. I know it takes trust in the unseen force of the moving water that holds you up. And I know that in my case, it took being able and willing to put up with some pain.



If I had been trying to surf through life for the past several months, I would not have been doing very well. My balance has been horrible - I would have fallen left, then right, then flat on my face. My trust has been weak - I've been trying to hold myself up and fighting against letting myself go (suddenly the lyrics "Please don't fight these hands that are holding you, My hands are holding you" from the Tenth Avenue North song By Your Side are going through my head). And I have been unwilling to make changes or do things that cause some discomfort (nothing that would truly cause pain).



So, while I don't really make New Year's resolutions, I do want to become a better surfer this year.



Happy 2010! As we go through this year may the waves be big, the rides long and the sharks small!

Elevator Speech

During a meeting in my office yesterday, the phone rang. Usually I would ignore it in favor of the people that were sitting in my office, but I was surprised by the name of a colleague on the caller id, so I picked it up.

As it turns out, it was a group of people using another person's phone. One of them told me that they were all chatting about me and "the different personas that [I] have gone through since I have been with the firm." It was a light-hearted conversation about the fact that I wore a black cowboy hat every day for about a year (I really liked that hat, but eventually Tracy gave me an honest assessment of it), that I used to ride a motorcycle (though I never rode it to the office and, unfortunately, did not ride it very often), that I recently have shaved off my facial hair, etc.

At the end of the conversation, one person asked, "What persona are you going for now?"

I didn't know what to say. I attribute it partially to the fact that there were still people in my office listening to half of the conversation and I felt like I needed to get off of the phone. But I also attribute it to the fact that I did not have a ready answer to that question. That second point bothers me. The question is a perfect invitation to talk about what is important to me. To persuade. To direct.

In business, this is similar to the elevator speech. The idea is that you get on an elevator with someone and they ask you something like "What do you do?" You then have thirty seconds, or less, to clearly articulate who you are and how your services or products may help the other person. It is not exactly a sales pitch - that will take you more than thirty seconds. It is just enough to convey the primary points and, hopefully, get you into a situation where the person asks for more information.

I'm not saying that I have the best business elevator speech in the world, but I had never even thought of a personal elevator speech before. What is the thirty second answer to the question? In my prayers almost every day I include a request that God help me to be a living example of a Christian man. To show people, through my words and my actions, what a relationship with Christ means and has done for me. To honor that relationship in the way that I live, and to let that be obvious to others. Yet, when asked "What persona are you going for now?" I didn't know how to answer the question.

I know that I quoted this passage here only a month ago (a different translation), but the whole idea of shifting personas has really drawn me back to this passage:

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

Romans 12:1-2 (Message).

So what is my personal elevator speech? I honestly don't have it all figured out. I am going to be working on it. But after spending some time thinking about it, I know that shifting personas is about culture - fitting in (or consciously not fitting in, particularly in the case of the cowboy hat). My real persona is about being fixed on God and letting Him change me and direct my life. So, like I said, I'm working on my personal elevator speech. The next time that the opportunity presents itself like that, I want to be prepared with an honest answer so that I don't miss that ministry moment.

Better Vision

I want to be clear about this from the start - this topic deserves a much better post than I am probably capable of writing right now. Still, though, I find myself sitting in front of my computer now, so here I am.

Last night I had the privilege of attending the release party for the cd Better Vision (http://www.christchurchva.org/aspnet2/Bettervision.aspx). It is a two disc set of Christian music. The first disc is original music by members of Christ Church, my church home. The second disc is original music by other area Christian musicians. The whole event was fantastic - dancing, singing and praising.

The concert involved at least 20 different musicians (I am sure it was more than that, but I cannot really picture them all in my mind right now) who played for two hours. There also was all of the tech crew and support - photographers, videographers, set-up, etc. There were people who were taking care of the technology needed to allow the whole thing to be broadcast on the internet.

In short, it was a major production. People were running and and off stage; in and out; moving instruments; and performing. I can't really estimate crowd size, but it seemed like the worship center was pretty full.

As I mentioned above, this was all to celebrate the release of the Better Vision cd. I read today that they sold over 200 copies of the cd in the first day.

While I may have enjoyed myself, I probably would not be writing about it here except that there is something else that is extraordinary about it. The musicians are not making one cent off of the sales of the cd. Instead, 100% of the proceeds are going to support an organization that is very near and dear to my heart - Hope Africa Ministries, Inc. (www.hopeafricaministries.org). All of the production costs were covered by the musicians themselves and donations.

When some of us talked about forming a non-profit here in the states to partner with our friends in Kenya to help them with their God-given vision for work in Sakwa, we dreamed of partnering with churches and businesses and individuals to raise the necessary funds to move towards the goal. But, this project kind of came out of nowhere. We were contacted by Brian Greene, one of the musicians and the executive producer for the project, and told that the musicians working on the cd really felt called to do something even more then just spreading the Word through their music. They wanted to do that, but they also wanted to use their gifts to directly support Hope Africa. Other than asking for some photos, the logo, and some basic information, they did it all. The incredible music, the inspired copy and the powerful design and layout.

So, while I sat (and stood) and enjoyed myself last night, I was humbled. I was humbled by the work of this group of people. I was humbled by their selfless use of their gifts. I was humbled by the presence of God in the project and in the room. I have never doubted the call that I feel to be a servant of God in and for Sakwa. But last night was a reminder that God can pull people and talents and gifts and energy and excitement from different areas and use them together to serve His purpose.

Sometimes I think I have a good idea of how this whole project in Kenya should turn out. Sometimes I really feel like I have the long range vision. But last night I was reminded, once again, that my vision is not important. I was reminded that it is God's vision that matters. A much, much, much Better Vision.

Don't Forget the Purpose

There are a lot of things going around in my head this evening. Probably several that I could, and perhaps should, write about. But, I'm not there. So, an easier post. [As I re-read the post before actually putting it up, this did not end up being the easy post that I thought it was going to be when I started. I think it drew more out of me than I expected.]

I've written before about worship. What I think it is; the rules that I think apply (or don't); etc. Recently I was reading from the book of Isaiah, and found what it said about the topic to be interesting.

Isaiah was a prophet, and I have read that the New Testament quotes Isaiah more than all of the other prophets combined. Although Isaiah was close to a number of kings, it seems pretty clear that he did not pull any punches. In fact, my brief research indicates that although Isaiah outlasted four kings, the fifth had him killed.

The portion of Isaiah that I am focused on now is 1:10-20. It is too long to quote the entire passage here (I just tried it). If you are reading this, I suggest that you take a second to look it up. In fact, I will go beyond that, go to www.biblegateway.com (or a similar site) and look for the New Living Translation version of the passage. It's ok, I don't mind waiting for you to find it and read it.

Ok, now that we are all on the same page, because I know you looked it up - Wow! Sick of your burnt offerings? Stop bringing me your meaningless gifts? Your celebrations are sinful and false? Remember, this is the Old Testament that we are reading. There are pages and pages and pages of the Old Testament that address nothing but the burnt offerings, the incense and the various celebrations. In fact, I think you could read most of the Old Testament and come to conclusion that offerings and gifts and celebrations and rituals is what worship is all about. After all, they are described in very fine detail.

But, I have always thought (ok, I've thought it for as long as I have thought about such things, which honestly isn't that long) that reading the Old Testament in that way is wrong. Sure, there are a lot of rules about the worship practices, but you can't separate them from the point of worship. The best analogy that I can come up with right now is music. Music can certainly be seen and studied as a series of notes, tempos and sound levels to be played by various instruments. But music, of course, is more than that. Its essence is more about expression and emotion and feeling - things that don't really translate well to the sheet music. If you tried to strip all of that away, you would end up with nothing but a complicated set of rules and directions - like you get when you strip the essence of worship from the Old Testament.

This passage from Isaiah really hits me on the head with that and not losing sight of the real point of worship. It screams to me, "Stop focusing on the rules and rituals, focus on the worship! I'm sick of you coming to me out of habit and blindly following a bunch of rules. I'm sick of you acting like you are worshiping, but really just going through the motions! Come to me and mean it. 'Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed.' [1:17a]"

Then, amazingly, despite the frustration, "Just listen and obey and I will take care of you. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow.' [1:18b] But if you don't, there is nothing to be done for you - 'you will be devoured by the sword of your enemies.' [1:20]"

I try hard not to worship for worship's sake. I try not to let myself just go through the motions. I try not to take Communion without thinking about what it means and why I am doing it. I try not to lift up hands in prayer that are covered in the blood of sin. But, sometimes I admit that I probably fall into a routine. This rather pointed reminder about focusing on the purpose of my worship is helpful to me.

"No Fair!"

If there is one thing that my kids say over and over it is "No fair!" Or, the slightly longer version, "That's not fair, why does she get to . . . ." They constantly compare what is going on in their life with what they see in the lives of others. Our usual response, when not completely annoyed, is to try to draw them back into their lives. Something along the lines of "Well, maybe their Mom and Dad think it is ok to let their kids (climb on the statues here in the Sculpture Garden) (run around the restaurant like crazy children) (throw things at the animals in the zoo) (you get the idea . . .), but we don't." Of course, sometimes we go with the shorter version, too - "Because I said no!"

I guess, though, it is kind of misleading to suggest that only the kids do it. Sometimes I do it, too. Often, though, when I think like that, it is more value laden. "It's just not fair that that person gets recognition when they didn't really do very much." "It's not fair that they treat people so poorly and still get treated so well." "It's not fair that they do not have to work as many hours and they still make that much money." Whatever it is. Sometimes I just don't think that people get what they deserve. And, of course, implicit in that is the idea that I am getting something less than I deserve.

Recently, I have been reading the book of Job. Most people are familiar with the general facts. I apologize in advance for this very simplistic overview, I recognize that this summary does not really do justice to the Book. Job has been incredibly good - he is described as "blameless and upright." Job 1:1 (NIV) He leads a good life and gives praise to God. Satan gets into a discussion with God and basically says something along the lines of - of course Job loves you, look at everything you have done for him. If you take everything away, he will curse you. God allows Satan to take away everything Job has, and inflict him with illness, but not kill him. During the period that Job has nothing and has gone off by himself, he is visited by friends who essentially tell him multiple versions of "you must have done something wrong." Job argues with them and cries out about his unfair treatment. Ultimately, God himself comes and rebukes them all. Job does not curse God to His face as Satan had predicted, instead he essentially apologizes for questioning and repents. God makes him "prosperous again" and gives him "twice as much as he had before." Job 42:10 (NIV)

What caught my attention related to the topic of this post, though, is not the general theme of the Book of Job. Rather, I have read and re-read one of the things said to Job by Elihu. Elihu is not one of Job's three friends, but someone that had been listening to them speak with him. The Bible tells us that he is younger than the three friends and, it seems out of respect, he waits for them to stop talking before he virtually explodes with anger and launches into a long speech. His role, the themes of his speech and how he fits into the entire Book can be much discussed and debated. But, I am grabbing on to two verses. Elihu says:

"God is leading you away from danger, Job, to a place free from distress. He is setting your table with the best food. But you are obsessed with whether the godless will be judged. Don't worry, judgment and justice will be upheld."

Job 36:16-17 (NLT)

Go ahead and read it again - more slowly than the first time. Tell me that you didn't say to yourself - "wow, that is me." The only way to make this more directly apply to me is to insert Tony where it says Job. I am certainly guilty of looking past what God is doing for me and how He is caring for me and focusing on whether I think other people are getting away with something. WHO CARES?!? I know that "judgment and justice will be upheld." I also know that I don't have perfect knowledge of the situations. Still, though, as I admitted above, I find myself thinking those kind of thoughts.

I've been using this passage to try to change my outlook. To try to look at the food that God is putting before me and the places that He is leading me. I can't honestly say that I have been 100% successful, but I think it has been a good exercise. I encourage you to give it a try. Stop being obsessed with how others will be treated. Stop comparing and making a judgment that what you are getting is not fair.

Is it Hope?

I should probably preface this post by saying that I have a great relationship with my Pastor. We have been to Kenya together twice, experienced a lot of things together, and have talked about auditioning to be a team on The Amazing Race. So, if he reads this, he will not be at all surprised that I do not 100% agree with him on something.

A few weeks ago, the Senior Pastor at our church sent out a kind of midweek encouragement. In it he wrote about a local crime that had generated a lot of attention and excitement in the area (particularly for his family since apparently the perpetrator, who was on the run, came running through their back yard). He used that as a springboard to reflect that he believes that the root cause for a lot of criminal or antisocial behavior is a lack of hope. He then explained that at least part of the calling of Christians is to demonstrate and share the transformative hope of Jesus with others.

That got me thinking. Does my relationship with Jesus give me hope? I guess at some level it does, so perhaps he is correct as far as he goes. But, on a more fundamental level, it is not really about hope at all. Hope, after all, suggests that there is some doubt. I "hope" that something will happen when I recognize that there is some chance that it will not.

But, a relationship with Christ is about a whole lot more than hope. I don't "hope" that God will provide for me. I don't "hope" that He will guide me. I know He will. My religious beliefs give me a whole lot more than hope, they give me faith. I know that God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Jeremiah 29:11. I know that God will protect me. I know that He will provide for me.

That isn't to say that my faith is perfect and I never wonder or question - far from it. I often find myself fearful, or praying that He does address whatever concerns that I have. But is to say that I think the job of Christians is to do more than teach people to have hope in Jesus Christ. We need to help people to have faith in Jesus Christ.